Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
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I can’t stop laughing at this
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*