Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
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My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.