Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice