WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
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Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I WON A HAM TODAY
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*