WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
You Might Also Like
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
What do you hear?
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*