WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
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dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Shower sex be like:
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
There is wisdom there.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.