Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

me: i need to make a follow up appointment

receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday

me: no i only need one

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.