Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

I’m putting together a team

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure

i love meeting boys on tinder

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.