Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice