Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

learning about math 🧐 📝

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

there has never been a better use of this meme

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

Children of the Corn Man

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.