Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.