Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

mood

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?

GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.