Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?

like hello i was also brave today

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample