Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

Breaking news:

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.