Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
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I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September