Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
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You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
no
Just did a big green poo by a canal
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
based al yankovic
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Breaking news:
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.