wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
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Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
My aunt gave me a dry clean only sweater for Christmas. I will never financially recover from this.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.