wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
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[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
