wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
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Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
This classic never gets old . . .
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower