Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
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Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?