Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
You Might Also Like
estão todos miauvindo?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey