wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
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Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Happy thanksgiving
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.