wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
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Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
#SuperBowl
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Sponch
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
crying
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]