WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
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[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.