WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
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HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
Waiting for the Charmin
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
When you’re Kinky but poor
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt