WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
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[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
can you read it!!??
maan!
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of