Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

[halftime]

Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

Green is just blue that someone peed in

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

They did not think through this water fountain