Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!