Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?