wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
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Hear me out: WrestleVania
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband: