wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
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Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel