Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

This is my emotional support knife.

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions