Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

Livid.

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

My birth announcement for our third baby

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!