Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

also my go-to takeaway order

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

Someone just threatened to call me later

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*