wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
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Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
