wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
![]()
You Might Also Like
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
![]()
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
![]()
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Favourite diary entry ever
![]()
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie: