Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
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Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud