Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

True?

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

i smell a pulitzer

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.