Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

all that yoga finally paid off

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!