Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.