Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
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Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.