Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
You Might Also Like
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything