Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
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The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*