[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
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MIND BENDER: Take your age. Now subtract 3. That’s how old you were three years ago.
Yelling “shotgun” when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I wonder which lie came first: “Oops, wrong hole!” or “That’s never happened before!”?
Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.
My stalker sucks. She needs to try harder. I always have to keep going & finding her. It’s like I’m following HER around. It’s ridiculous.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.