@david8hughes

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

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@ShutUpThatsWho

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

@BillMc7

MIND BENDER: Take your age. Now subtract 3. That’s how old you were three years ago.

@NakedHangover

Yelling “shotgun” when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.

@EJGomez

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

@Eightinchgoat

I wonder which lie came first: “Oops, wrong hole!” or “That’s never happened before!”?

@Bratterina

Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.

@AristotlesNZ

My stalker sucks. She needs to try harder. I always have to keep going & finding her. It’s like I’m following HER around. It’s ridiculous.

@flouncingqueen

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

@kelkulus

The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.