Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
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My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz