Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

never ask a starfish for directions

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

The game has officially changed 😎