Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
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There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Goes to bed*
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt