Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
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INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.