Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
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Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first