Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

I like donuts.

Twitter:

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef