Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

All right then, keep your secrets

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.