wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
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Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
WWE is French for “yes”
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock