Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is going on? 😅

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER