Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.