Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

If you love someone, let them sleep.

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

Many hands make light work

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.