Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!