Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now