wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
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Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.