Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

The world’s worst witness

Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.

Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?

Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine