wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
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A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee