Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

This January has 47 Mondays

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”