WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
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So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…
Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I fixed it. For me
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.