WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
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earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
🛁
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Who did it better?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.