Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
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Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
