Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with