Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

Me too, bag. Me too….

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile