*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
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Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.