*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
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Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom