*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
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So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
What about second breakfast?
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
channeling her this year
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction