*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
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[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Whoa… oh I see lol
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Girl, same.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.