*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
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As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?