Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop