Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

Planet of the Apps.

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

Traveler’s camo

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.