Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine’s Day, I’d secretly drop fake engagement rings into random drinks—just to sit back and watch the chaos unfold. Bon appétit!

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl