Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

OKAY DAD

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.