WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
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[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.