WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
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In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.